"Hg dipungut pa wei...," berteraburan gelak tawa kami cuba memikirkan logik di sebalik semua yg terjadi..
Aku dgn masalah aku.. Y dgn masalah dia.. Agak lama xberkumpul begini, aku terasa muda kembali... Bermula thn ni, nafas aku selalu semput meredah semua dugaan yg ditimpakan atas kelalaian aku sendiri, kebiadapan aku n kealpaan aku terhadap Nya..
Tetapi pedih itu tetap terasa, dituduh sebegitu rupa, dimarah, dihamun selama idupku.. Org kata aku kuat orgnya tetapi pedih di ati siapa yg tawu... Air mataku tidak berhenti mengalir selama idupku.. Cuba ku tahan tp begitula normanya, keluar utk menenangkan aku, menjadi peneman ati yg makin rapuh.. Aku bisa ilang arah n punca n merasakan aku merupakan makhluk yg paling teruk akhlak.. Sentiasa dilabel dengan perkataan yang berunsur negatif sepanjang idupku, kini kian terasa.. apa bodoh kah aku, tidak tegakkan pendirianku? Apa relakah aku diherdik seumur idupku walopon aku sudah cuba beri yg terbaik... Apa lagi kelemahan diriku? "Aku sudah berubah, membelakangkan kamu?" Statement di mana kami terkedu, tidak dpt mengaitkan dgn situasiku sekarang...
Wahai kamu, pernahkan kamu menyelami perasaanku selama ini? Pernahkah kamu memberi peluang padaku untuk berkata-kata? Tidak pernah! Kamu hanya tahu menghukum, yang kamu sendiri menyebut "judgement" terhadap aku? Itulah kamu,... dan itula sebabnya aku menjadi biadap, kurang ajar seperti yang selalu dilabel kamu.. Aku kini kecewa di mana kamu tiada nilai untuk dihormati dimataku.. Jika itu yang kamu mahu, aku akan berubah seperti yang kamu tuduhku, dan jgn sesiapa mngatakan apa-apa lagi.. Aku mahu impian kamu jd kenyataan, supaya tuduhanmu tidak menjadi fitnah besar terhadapku...
Siapakah aku sekarang, adalah cerminan kepada diri kamu, yang kamu xpernah mengaku.. Jika kamu terlalu sempurna, kenapakah idup kamu tidak pernah senang dr dulu, yg sentiasa menjadi keluhan mulut kamu..
Ya Allah, kau hukumlah aku.. Kau hukumlah aku.. tetapi Kau bagila kesempatan padaku mati dalam Islam..
Well, dis week is totally not right for me.. I'm giving teaching a second thought now.. danger!danger!danger! hurmm.. I know dat am new in dis field but a lot of things happened recently dat makes me disrespect this profession.. I lose respect n wat should I do? Am no longer see dat teachers are noble.. I mean, when we r working as colleagues.. I feel like am being bullied instead of, they are trying to teach me or wat do you called it as good to gain experience? It should not be dis way.. Dis week agendas, waiting for more:
"D, da siap dokumentasi merentas desa n hari sukan?"
"D, nak ajar SBT x? Kalo si H xmau, sy nak letak nama D...."(it's not an option if u decide it for me!)
"Sy nak HC4 secepat mungkin."
"Sy nak post mortem secepat mungkin."
"Ni cadangan ppd on post mortem, sy nk kita ikut format ni jugak."
"Sy juga mahu cikgu2 buat proposal mcmna nk tingkatkan prestasi pelajar." (3 same things from 3 point of views! Darn!)
"Owh, yes! Sijil utk 100 participants kem motivasi"
"Bagi D utk latih budak2 spelling bee competition 20hb ni"
"D, u must prepared kids for storytelling competition,"
and d list keeps on going n on which besides from dis, I hav to deal with d fees, cater my pupils needs etc2x.which I dun even have a free period! Every time, I have to steal time to eat bcoz am shivering of hunger! I feel less human now.. And my pupils' exercise books are being left on my desk dat I dun even have d time to mark them.. Every time I was working on it, other works would come.. My priority is no more on my teaching n my kids! Am frustrated.. I did not sign d contract with d gov to be dis kind of teacher who doesn't have time to plan properly for teaching now. Am feeling unprepared every time I enter my classes now! I leave home as early as 6:40 am every morning and reach school at 7:00am (usually, am d first teacher 2 b at school).. and left d school at 4:00pm and above.. And please bear in mind dat my only break is when am eating for 15 minutes only! When I reached home, am totally exhausted dat I sleep as early as 8:00pm.. Am no robot, if u want to teach me n want me to learn sumthing dis is not d way.. I feel frustrated with dis profession! really am! Everything is on paper! God will not ask u about headcounts! He'll ask you wat u r doing in d classroom! I tried not to let dis negative thought overcomes me but now, it fails! n yes, I know d school am working now dat makes it worst! D administration will reflect d whole school..
Dat's why I feel teaching is no fun anymore.. Teaching is a burden..
Btw, salary will not be able to keep me long in dis profession.. Give me back d spark of teaching!
